The Gay Test
by LittlePoison
Summary: Chandlers POV. There's been an incident between the boys, and Joey suggests a test to figure things out. Joey/Chandler/Ross. Smut.
1. The Accidents

**Chapter One**

**The Accidents**

The pale grey sunlight of an early autumn morning peeks underneath my curtains, I look into the face of my alarm clock, it's 7:14 A.M, my alarm goes off at 7:30, I could sleep for another fifteen minutes if I wanted to. Damn it, what's the point, I'm too agitated to relax right now, I may as well get up and start the day a little early.

I unhook the alarm clock and head into the bathroom. I guess I can take a longer shower this time, that's a plus, I step naked underneath the warm pouring water and breathe out heavily, letting out some of the tension.

Today's a Thursday, which means tomorrow's a Friday, that's good, I guess. It's pretty pathetic when all I have to look forward too every day is my work week ending, I'm the only one of my friends who doesn't enjoy his job.

I grab the soap and start to lather up my body, running my fingers down my stomach, around my hips. Huh, it feels like I've lost a lot of weight recently.

It's then that I realize that I've forgotten to brush my teeth, damn it, I never feel right throughout the day when I know I haven't brushed. I could do it after my shower, but that would make my coffee (which I _need_) taste like hell.

There's only one thing for it, I turn the shower off and climb out. The mirror by the sink is long, so I can see the top half of my body in it. Man, I really have lost weight, I look rather fantastic if I can say so. Now that some of the fat has worn away, my stomach and chest are toned, though still skinny. I turn to my side, wow, my ass looks fantastic now, with the skinniness of my waist it looks like it's really sticking out, pretty sexy.

I give my butt a few light smacks as I inspect it, jiggle it up and down, and then smirk to myself.

"Holy _fuck_ Chandler, nice ass."

The sound of Joey's voice makes me jump on the spot, and I see his smirking reflection in the mirror.

"Joey!" I screech, pulling the shower curtain to cover my pride. "What are you-?"

"Hey it's alright!" he interrupts. "I'd be doing the same thing if I had a butt like that."

He grins with satisfaction, probably a mocking one.

"_What are you doing here?_" I ask.

"What am I doing in the bathroom?" he laughs. "The real question is what are you doing here? Something nice I wish I hadn't interrupted, if you ask me."

"I was taking a shower!" I spit. "I just got out because I forgot to brush and- you don't go in the bathroom this early!"

"Yeah I do," Joey frowns. "I do wash too y'no Chandler, I have a ten minute shower at 7:15 in the morning. I dunno why you're up so early today."  
I sigh. "Alright, alright. Just leave!"

"Sure you don't wanna turn around and show me some more?" he teases.

I can't think of an angry enough response, but the look on my face is enough to make Joey back off, he heads out the door, presumably back to his room.

I forget about brushing and jump back in the shower, feeling vulnerable for being caught like that. Christ, he saw me smacking my butt around! I've never been so humilliated.

When I'm finally dressed and ready to leave, Joey gives me a smirk as I make for the front door.  
"We'll get even," I tell him.

"If you say so," I hear him respond as I close the door.

Work is the same as usual, typing in numbers, getting on the phone with boring people who have boring problems, but I'm happy to be doing it, it keeps my mind focused. It's the breaks I can't stand, I hate sitting around in my cubicle with my lunch, being left to my own thoughts.

Why? It's the same reason that I woke up so early this morning and why I couldn't sleep, there's something I can't stop thinking about, that I wish I _could_ stop thinking about.

Last weekend, at Ross's birthday party, me and Ross... well okay, here's the story from the beginning. We were wasted, obviously, and it was starting to get past midnight so we all decided to go home and go to bed (this was not a cool party, just so you know,) by then I was _exhausted_ since I was used to going to bed early for work, so Ross told me that I could sleep at his place so I didn't have to walk home. I wouldn't have agreed if I wasn't so insanely tired, I felt like I could fall asleep anywhere, so I just took the couch.

Rachel, who was going to stay over at Ross's cos they're back together (don't ask how that's going), she decided that it was unfair to make me sleep on the couch when they went to sleep on the bed, so they thought it would be fun if we both slept on the couches. Ross has two couches, so I had one, and Rachel and Ross shared one.  
Pretty quickly as we were going to sleep, Ross woke me up by getting off the couch and going to the bathroom, just then Rachel got a call from Monica inviting her to come back because her and Joey were having more drinks. Rachel said, "I wasn't that tired anyway, tell Ross I left," and went to Monica's.

Because I have this prankster mind of mine, I saw a funny opportunity, I decided to get into the other couch where Rachel was, and wait for Ross to get back. In my plan, when he snuggled up to me I'd say something comical such as "Welcome back sweetie," and then he'd hear that it was me and we'd all have a good laugh and a good story to tell about the party. That's what I wanted to happen, but that's not what happened.

I laid on the couch, and when Ross returned, instead of going onto it from the front like any normal person would, he rolled over the back of it, squishing the front of his body on me, and started... well, basically sucking my face off.

I was in full abort mode, I was yelling "It's me! It's me! Rachel's left!" but he was relentless, he grabbed my wrists and held me down, licking inside my lips hungrily and kissing my neck.

Eventually I managed to roll off the side, at which point Ross was out like a light.

Now, like I said, Ross was drunk, very drunk, and he was also tired. But I really was yelling at him that it was me, and he continued to kiss me for minutes, holding me down. So... did he really think I was Rachel? That _entire_ time?

The worst thing is, I think I enjoyed it. In fact I think I enjoyed it more than I've ever enjoyed kissing or making out with a woman ever.

Maybe not, maybe I'm just remembering things wrong, I don't know, I was drunk too. But still, it bothers me, it makes me really uncomfortable, and trying not to think about it is giving me a headache.

After a long day of work I return home at six o'clock. I expect Joey sat in the kitchen area, ready to mock me as soon as I come in. I expect that, but strangely enough he isn't there. Whatever, he must be in his room.

With the aching memories of Ross's birthday in my mind, I lull back to my bedroom. When I open the door, I... understand where Joey is.

He's on my bed, laid out on his front, butt-naked. The curtains are open so the sun shines on his dark-gold italian skin, he's resting his head on a pillow that he's cluctching between his arms.

"So," he grins, "are we gonna get even?"


	2. Getting Even

**Chapter Two**

**Getting Even**

"Joey what the hell are you doing?!"

"C'mon don't act angry," Joey rolls his eyes and pulls himself up, the pillow covering his genitals, but his meaty italian thighs and ass on full display. "Should I bounce it around for you, too? It's only fair."

He starts to run his hand around the curviature of his buttock.  
"Knock it off! Get off my bed!"

Joey laughs. "Fine," he yields.

I look away as he gets off and puts his clothes back on.  
"You _could_ have a sense of humour about it," he comments.

"Yeah well I don't," I respond, shaking my head. "Now my bed's going to smell like Joey."

"Look Chandler, I was doing you a favour."

"How is that a favour?" I grimace at him.

"Because now we've both seen each other naked," he replies matter-of-factly. "I can't go around telling everyone what happened with you and making fun of you cos, you could backfire with this."

I sigh. "I'd still have preferred you not to do that, but still, thanks for trying to help in your own weird way."

Joey still seems confused. "Why is this upsetting you so much? We both have nice bodies, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Well sorry I'm not _gay_ and I don't apprecite a naked Joey on my bed when I get home."

"Uh-huh..." Joey starts to look uncomfortable.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing, I understand," he replies. "It's just, I dunno, I always thought you _were_ a little..."

"Yeah, well, I'm used to that," I shake my head. "I'm _not_ though."

"Alright," Joey sounds unconvinced.

"Hey, y'no who's sexuality you should all be speculating? Ross's!"

"Huh? He's with Rachel... I think."

"Yeah well you don't know what happened at his birthday party," I respond.

Joey starts to laugh, "Oh man, you and Ross? I've _gotta_ hear this!"

"It wasn't like that!" I snap. "I didn't... it wasn't something that I wanted it..."

Joey looks at me skeptically with his eyebrows raised.

I sigh. "Just stop making that face and I'll tell you the whole story."

And I do, I tell him all about when I slept over and Rachel left just as Ross was leaving, how Ross started kissing me when he got back onto the couch.

Joey still looks doubtful. "Dude that seems like it was your fault."

"It was! But that's not the point!" I protest. "He kept kissing me! Even after he _must_ have known it was me, I was screaming it out!

Joey shrugs. "He was wasted, stuff happens."

"It just makes me really uncomfortable..."

"Why, cos Ross might have enjoyed kissing you? I enjoyed seeing your butt this morning."

"And that's another thing that makes me very uncomfortable, but I'm used to you weirding me out."

Joey puts his finger to his chin, the way he does when he's thinking. "So, you wanna find out if Ross is gay, right?"

"I'm a little concerned," I shrug. "He's supposed to be with Rachel."

"Alright, how about we find out?" Joey suggests.

"How?"

"Erm... how about you just spend some time with him and see if he puts the moves on you?"

Christ, I'd laugh if I didn't know he's being deadly serious.

"I'm not doing that," I say flatly.

"Why not?" Joey whines. "With an ass like that you could seduce me if you wanted to, it would totally work."

"Stop saying stuff like that. And besides, if you think it's such a great idea then why don't you do it?"

"What, me try to seduce Ross?" Joey seems taken aback.

"Sure," I say, coming up with a plan in my head. "You go over to Ross's house one night, spend some time with him, start flirting, see if he responds, and if he does then just sneakily text me and I'll call with some... apartment emergency."

"I don't know about that Chandler, I don't even know who would be the woman between the two of us," Joey says, pondering. "I mean, with you it's obvious but..."

"Don't be stupid, you don't have to actually do anything, it's just a test, a gay test."

"Right," Joey nods. "I think I understand.

"So, will you do it?" I ask.

"Yeah!" he grins. "I'll do it!"


	3. Test 1

**Chapter Three**

**Test #1**

**Joey's POV**

I knock on the door nervously, my hands shaking from fear. Damn it, if I'm going to do this I need to calm myself down, I can't seduce anyone if I'm this tense.

I look down at what I'm wearing, I have a red t-shirt on, the one I know is too small for me but makes my body look great, I picked some tight jeans too, hopefully it's subtle enough to work.

Ross opens the door, looking surprised to see me. "Oh, hey Joey. What are you doing here?"

How do I respond? Do I flirt? Do I say something sexy?

"I'm here for you..." I say awkwardly.

"Okay..." Ross blinks. "Why?"

Christ I need to slow it down.

"Erm, I just, wanted to hang out. That okay?" I ask, walking into his apartment.

"Sure," he says, closing the door behind me.

"Nice place," I comment. "Couch looks comfortable."

Ross looks confused. "Joey are you okay?"

"Sure," I reply, sitting on the couch. "Hey can you get me a beer?"

Ross nods and heads to the kitchen.

Okay, so here I am, in my sexiest outfit, now what do I do? Man I should have thought this through some more, but alcohol will help.

Ross hands me a can and I almost down the whole thing in one swig.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks, looking concerned.

"Well I er, I'm-I'm okay, I'm just feeling _very_ vulnerable right now..."

Ross looks skeptical, but goes to get some more beers.

"Don't drink these too fast," he says when he returns. "I don't want a repeat of what happened at my birthday party."

Oh right, I'd forgotten about that. Apparently at his party I made out with Phoebe's twin sister Ursula, I didn't remember that, but Chandler told me in the morning.

"Well, there's no women here, so it couldn't happen anyway," I say. "Unless _we_ made out."

Ross laughs and takes another swig of his beer, it's going to take a lot more than that to bait him.

"Actually Ross, there's something I do wanna talk about,"

"Huh, that wasn't obvious," he teases, "what is it?"

"Well, what happened at the party between me and Ursula..."

"Don't worry about it," Ross dismisses. "Phoebe doesn't care about that, she knows you were wasted. It doesn't count if you're drunk."

"Really?" I say in a squeaky voice, mentally compiling all the evidence of Ross's gayness. "Interesting."

"Yeah, I mean, when you're drunk you're not yourself, so you do all kinds of stuff," he shrugs, glancing down at his beer can.

I look him in the eyes as I take another swig, he is breathing heavily, I think I'm hitting the right nerves.

"Anyway," I continue. "I didn't want to talk about Ursula or Phoebe, it's just that I have a habit of making out with people when I'm drunk, but it's always women, until... a few nights ago, with a man."

"Really?" Ross nods slowly, looking down at the table, super-uncomfortable.

"That ever happened to you?" I ask.

Ross laughs insincerely. "No."

We just drink for a few more seconds, until Ross can't take the silence.

"Don't... don't worry about it, it doesn't mean your gay. Like I said, if your drunk it doesn't count..."

As he says this I crack open another beer, the sizzling of the can hisses over his words seductively.

"Why don't we have something stronger?" I suggest, motioning to his wine cabinet.

He gulps, nods, and then goes off to pour some wine.

I'm definitely getting somewhere now! I'm so confident that Ross wants this that I almost consider texting Chandler now and getting out of here, but if I'm going to go through this much trouble, I have to be _sure_.

"Red or white?" he asks from behind.  
"Red."

He hands me my wine glass and pours it in, for a few minutes we just drink and talk about random topics, such as Phoebe's new handmade shoes or running into Monica's ex-boyfriend Richard at the mall. I start to forget why I even came here.

"So which guy _did_ you kiss when you were drunk?" Ross finally asks.

I laugh. "Not telling."

"Aw, c'mon Joey!" he whines. "What kind of kiss was it then?"

"What kind of kiss?"

"Yeah, was it quick, or was it slow... with eyes closed and stuff."

Suddenly, I remember what I've been sent to do, and I see a great opening.

"Well, it was more than this," I lean over and peck him on the lips delicately.

"But less than this," Ross doesn't protest when I open my mouth over his lips, instead, he opens his too and our tongues meet, licking hungrily whilst our sweaty bodies grind against each other.

Ross turns his head, dragging my tongue across his cheek and into his neck, I suck on him, biting tenderly with my hand running up and down his chest.

"Shit Joey," he pants, his hand resting on my lower back, as if he's afraid to go further.

Lucky for him, _I'm_ not afraid to go further.

I move away from his neck so that I can have another taste of his juicy lips, and whilst doing so I run my hand further down past his stomach to feel him inbetween his legs.

He has a big buldge, his hard cock presses against the side of his jeans, but it's not _that_ I'm interested in, I move my two fingers further down, brushing up and down his perinium.

My mind rushes as we hold each other. Damn it, I'm getting too into this, I wish he was naked, I wish I could take all his clothes off and then lift his sweet legs up, and slide my tongue down to...

"Fuck! Fuck! Joey no!" Ross protests, starting to shove me away. "I can't! I can't do this!"

Feeling my head bang against the side of the couch brings me to my senses, what the hell am I doing? This wasn't the plan.

"We can't!" Ross says. "I have... with Rachel and... this isn't even..."

"I-I'm sorry," I tell him, unable to think of anything else to say. "I didn't mean to..."

"Then you better just leave," he says, burying his red face in his hands.

I have no objection to that, all I want to do is run home and forget this whole thing even happened. I get up quickly make for the door.  
"Just don't tell anyone," are his parting words.


	4. Test 2

**Chapter Four**

**Test 2**

**Chandler's POV**

I sit in Joey's chair (the one I get to use when he's out) and try to distract myself, I flick mindlessley through the TV channels, but I can't help focusing on my phone.

Why hasn't he texted or called yet? He said he would when he found out whether Ross is gay or not, and it's getting late, he must have figured it out by now.

"Off my chair," he says from behind me, indicating that he has just returned home.

I stand up and approach him. "Well? What happened over there?"

"I er... W-we erm... errr..." Joey stumbles over his words for a while, like he doesn't really know what to say.

"Is he gay or not?" I ask bluntly.

"Erm, probably, yeah. I mean, not really... I don't know," he shrugs and goes to sit down.

"What do you mean you don't know? What happened?"

"Well, Chandler, I think he only made out with you because he was drunk y'no, you should just let it go..."

I glare suspiciously at him.

"What happened?" I repeat.

Joey rolls his eyes, like he can't be bothered to hide it any longer. "We... made out."

"_What?!_" I exclaim.

Joey just nods.

"Well f-... for how long?!"

"Few minutes."

"A few _minutes_?!"

"Yeah alright! So did you y'no."

"That was completely different," I dismiss.

"How?"

"Because mine was an accident!"

Joey sulks and looks away shyly.

I start to pace up and down the room, trying to calm myself. Just picturing those two making out causes my heart pang, I think I'm just overwhelmed, this is not what I was expecting.

"I can't even- I don't even know what to-" I vent my confused feelings aloud. "What in the hell? I mean, did you... how erm, d-did..."

"Did I like it?" Joey finishes for me. "Yeah."

"You liked making out with Ross?" I repeat back to him.

"I liked making out with Ross," he tells me with a straight face.

"That's fucked u-"

"I can like making out with Ross!" he cuts me off, looking angry. "I can like what I like, what difference does it make to you?"

"Well I'm sorry I just didn't realize you were _both_ gay."

"We're not gay, we just made out."

I laugh cruelly. "Yeah and I'm not a murderer I just like to kill people."

"Fuck you!" Joey jumps up from his chair. "Just because your so fucking far in the closet your best friends with Aslan."

"Yeah, I'm the closeted one," I say sarcastically.

"Yeah, you are. Y'no, it's possible for two straight men to get drunk and do stupid stuff together, when you're all messed up like that and you don't realize what's going on, you're just responding to like... the nerves and stuff, so it's the same, and it doesn't mean you're gay. But you're the one who's too repressed to even admit that. You're the one who is so threatened by homosexuality that you were freaking out about kissing another guy for like two seconds."

"I'm not gay," I roll my eyes at his rant.

"Prove it," he says.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Prove it. You should prove it. Ross had too, it's only fair."

"Yeah but Ross did turn out to be gay."

"And so will you, we'll do another gay test, and this time you'll be the one being tested."

"Wow that sounds appealing."

"If you're straight, there's nothing to worry about."

I glare at him for a few seconds. "Alright, what kind of test?"

"Well, you say that I'm gay because I liked kissing Ross. So if you can make out with a man for a full minute, and by the end of it not be enjoying yourself, then you pass the test."

"What the fuck? I'm not going to make out with a man to prove anything to you."

Joey grins. "That's what I thought."

He just looks so smug, so satisfied with himself. He really thinks that he's won this argument, that if I can't do what he says, by his logic I'm the gay one.

"Fine," I spit. "Let's do it."

"Good, I'll call Ross and-"

"Nope, we're not gonna call Ross," I say, walking up to him. "We're gonna do this now."

"Now?" he says wide-eyed.

"Y-yeah!" I stammer. "So, c'mon."

Joey considers his options for a few seconds, and then storms up to me, pushing me aggressively by the shoulders up against the wall.

I try to hold my ground, I stare back at him as his faces inches closer to mine, he's looking at me like he's never been so angry with someone in his entire life.

That's why it surprises me, how soft his lips are when they meet with mine. At first we both keep our mouths closed, feeling the slimy sensation of a pressing kiss, and then, I'm the one who opens my mouth first, and Joey's tongue rolls into me without hesitation.

The sensation of his tongue gently exploring mine is overpowering, my knee's almost buckle and I start to feel very hot. When he pulls it out, I can't help but feel dissapointed, but he replaces it with lots of little quick kisses onto my lips, and I kiss back, not because I'm trying to prove anything, but because in the half-a-second that has passed, I already miss his mouth.

When we go open-mouth again, I try to be more dominant, pushing my tongue around his to please him, but he proves to be better at this than me, no matter what I do I can't help but just succumb to the amazing feeling of letting Joey take control and pleasure me.

And it really is pleasure. Damn it.

I notice that our bodies have pushed themselves together without my knowing it, I can feel his meaty Italian chest against mine, and oh god, his warm package is pressed just above mine, I want to embrace him tighter, but I daren't.

And then, the whole thing is shut off. Joey releases his grip on my neck and pulls his face away from mine. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes are wet with tears and he looks at me with desperation.

He heads for his bedroom, leaving me by myself.


End file.
